Except my own thoughts as time passes. I’ve found I have an amazing gift of recall, now I’m not boasting it is perfect like I can remember exactly what and where everything is in a room I’ve only been in for 3 seconds, but occasionally, at the most random of times I will recall randomly past events as if I were there. For example, at one point that the Creed CD was in-between a lego bucket and a old speaker with 3 cracks in it and well worn–and that it was empty and the CD was in my boombox, but my radio was on 99.7 FM playing some latest hit circa 2001. Amazing detail on recall, and can often summon them on command (not always mind you), but these are for physical events; Events I saw, heard, tasted/smelled, felt, but the most important events happened inside my head as a result of a culmination of such events, and I seem to have a hard time recalling those events most of the time. I find this disturbing. Perhaps it’s the nature of such events, I mean what is happening when we make a memory are that neurons are firing creating new pathways, and I think in this particular instance what I am disturbed with is that I have no memory of these pathways being created as they are created.
One particular memory I have of this happening, I think, Is my first memory. I recall playing with a barrel of monkeys, I was obviously frustrated because I would grab one and there would only be a few monkeys linked together. For whatever reason I stopped to think “Why aren’t more monkeys linking arms?”. Bam! It was like my brain lit up like a christmas tree I even remember feeling a disembodied tingling sensation in my head. I realized that the arms had to cross each other for a link to be formed–to get more monkeys in one go. Further, I found that I could replicate this not only by pulling the monkeys out of the barrel and up into the air but I could do this on the ground. I recall I tested this hypothesis by taking two single monkeys and laying them flat against each other and pulling them apart to which they did not link, then trying several methods of creating scenarios where they would link–All it required was that they “cross” at the arms. After that I could create longer links and sometimes even link the whole barrel of monkeys by being careful and getting the monkeys to link arms. I think this is the first time I asked “why?” and answered myself, and as an interesting result all of my memory that I can recall starts from this point.
This is when I came online, at least thats how I like to think of it. I really feel that when I asked “why?” this is what had set off a chain of reactions that resulted into me today. There are other moments like these, where I ask “why?” to myself and come to some conclusion, and these shape my future. Often I don’t recall these events. I am hoping by rebooting my blogging efforts I can help capture these events. I have 30+ concurrent streams of thoughts right now that go on and off that I know will end up shaping who I am tomorrow. That is of course if they make a big enough impact I can recall them. Most often they fall to the side to never be brought up again or perhaps two or three months later will be triggered to my foremind by something random or mundane and not even related.
In the past I’ve been held back by caring too much about what if some other person now or in the future sees this, and as a result, I have censored my writing to practically nothing. I’ve also struggled with the issue of just being lazy, I got a thought, I thought it out, I could do more, but writing for an audience is just taxing. I have decided that I will be primarily writing to and for my future self, so that I may capture these moments I find so very hard to capture. I find that when I am writing for some purpose that I am passionate about, I generally use writing as a tool to help me think and that is what I will be doing here.
I am in a position where I realize I have some passions I really haven’t thought too much about up until now and I want to explore them and others. Why? Because I feel it’s imperative that I know who I am to myself. It might be clichéd, but deep down I want to be happy, and there is a lot I can do to improve that. It’s about living a life YOU feel is worth living, right? So from here on out I want, and I feel it is imperative that I commit to doing this–asking the “why?”s and recording them, making hypothesis, testing them, and hopefully answering my own questions shaping my future with some reflection. If I should recede or become disillusioned with this task, as I’ve learned by now, just writing about anything is enough to get me on some semblance back on this journey. You can do this, excuses are not excuse enough to avoid being alive.